Thursday, 28 May 2009

Cute, in a stupid-assed way

I took the Which Fantasy Author Are You? quiz that everybody else is doing, and it came up with David Eddings. David Eddings! Make sure your kiddies don't read this next clause, but Fuck That Shit.

If I was going to be a fantasy author I'd much rather be somebody like Lord Dunsany. Not only was he a filthy rich Irish nobleman who lived in a castle, he was a pistol-shooting champion, fought in the Second Boer War, played lots of cricket, was the best chess player in Ireland, and was Professor of English at a Greek university. Give me that lifestyle over David Eddings, any day. Also, his books are vastly different from Eddings', in that they aren't unimaginative tripe of the most boring kind.

Dunsany didn't have the best looking of wives, though. And she was called Beatrice Child Villiers, which is just weird.

Beatrice Child Villiers, Wife of Lord Dunsany


  1. I feel your pain. I think I'd have preferred Lin Carter or Andrew Offut or Gardner F. Fox over friggin David Eddings.

    I really wish we could see at least who the choices are.

  2. A woman like that is likely what it took to be Dunsany's wife.

    I loved your use of 'approximately' 8 million times better. lol.

  3. David Eddings? Now, that's practically an insult. My dictionary has a picture of David Eddings under the entry for 'twee'.

    I was Philip Pullman (haven't read, can't say if I should be annoyed or not), but also a bit like Tove Jansson... which is sort of neat, as she's our national treasure, and I've been editing a super collection of her Moomin comics (the old, original ones where the Moomin characters drop 'LBJ' tabs and drink rum with champagne chasers – really, they do!).

  4. Who the heck is Mary Gentle? And how am I like her? \O_o/

    That said I'm also a bit Gene Wolfe (sweeeeet), a little more hardcore then Philip "Kill the children, then God, then the world!" Pullman, and the antithesis of J.K.Rowling.

    Screwy test is screwy.

    wv: nonbrat - I so am though! :p

  5. I got Orson Goddamned Scott Card. While he's busy overthrowing the government to protect my marriage, I'll be over here not reading any of his books.

  6. I never do these things. But I am doing this one, just for you. Desptie the fact that I probably haven't read whoever I am...

  7. Haha, I got Michael Moorcock! Woohoo!

  8. No, wait, I'm not. The quiz looks so stupid I can't possibly do it. I can feel already which answer is the "lowbrow" answer to each question and that's usually my answer, but I know that whoever wrote the quiz is going to translate "unpretentious sensibilities" into "writer who uses short words". Which will then translate into "some dell fantasy fucktard I've never read with a purple dragon on the cover".

  9. Ok, wait, I'll try it, not to be a killjoy. Plus now I know Michael Moorcock is on there somewhere...

  10. Ok, now HOLD THE FUCK UP--I'm in the car, what music should I listen to?

    "Country and Western"

    "Classical Music"

    "Hits of 2008"

    "Free Jazz"

    What the gore-slathered fuck is that? Whose fucking car IS this? I hereby let it be known I am finishing this quiz under protest. While listening to 2112.

  11. Picking "Classical music" is going to totally blow my 100% lowbrow streak...

  12. Who the fuck is Lian Hearn?

  13. "Congratulations! You are Low-Brow, Violent, Experimental and Cynical!"

    I think that's the title of my next art show.

  14. Fundamental flaw in the quiz:

    It assumes literature is escapism. That is: I-read-about-basketball-because-I-wish-I-was-playing-basketball. So if you rate high on the "I approve of violence" scale, the quiz assumes you want to read books about violence.

    In reality, only the worst books cater to that impulse. Do you have to want to be a baffled Edwardian whose mind is annihilated by forces beyond mortal reckoning in order to want to write like Lovecraft?

  15. Yeah it's one of those quizzes where you just know that choosing "Hits of 2008" is going to mean: You're some really popular lowbrow author and picking Free Jazz is going to be: You're Gertrude Stein.

    As for everybody else: I don't know who Lian Hearn is, haven't read any Orson Scott Card either, and think Mary Gentle is a bit mediocre and overly hyped. Hyped by Michael Moorcock, no less.

  16. Speaking of basketball, why were the choices of sport basketball, snooker, kick boxing and whatever else? None of those are sports I'd choose to watch.

    It reminds me of those quizzes everybody seems to love on facebook which tells you, for example, what Next Gen character you are. "Do you lack emotion and have white skin and golden eyes?" "You're Data!"

  17. I think...I'll just be the one that drinks the most. Phillip Jose Farmer?

  18. Um...yeah.

    After choosing numerous non-violent answers I got a fairly high violence rating.


    Also, I'm with Zak, what sentient on the planet with even ounce of intelligence doesn't have Classic Rock & Roll in their car but has Classical Music and Country & Western. I mean what kind of primitive, mutated freak are we talking about?!

    Ok, maybe that was a bit much but seriously...I did end up with Ursula K. Le Guin, which is flattering but certainly not what I expected.

    Barking Alien

  19. The quiz specifically states it is not supposed to tell you which author you resemble, but which author's works you might like. That said, of course it's flawed... deeply flawed. How could it not be?

  20. As for the Science Fiction Author quiz I took about a year ago, I got Isaac Asimov. Which I can kind of see, providing we go with the Which Hollywood Director Would Tell your Life Story quiz result... that way, Alfred Hitchcock would have done awesome book-to-film adaptations.

    wv: racho - a half-sneeze half-vomiting sound you make when you see the results of an internet quiz.

  21. Seems an awfully limited quiz. These sorts of things really need to have a lot more variables to be effective.

    Susan Cooper, incidentally (I know nothing about her except she wrote the Seeker series, which is supposed to be good), also a lot like Le Guin (Hell yeah), Mieville for action (ew), and Lian Hearn for my opposite (I don't know who that is).