Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Focusing the Mind, and the Tea Shop of the Bilious Tongues

Writing blog entries on my mobile phone is a horrendous experience. Partly this is in the nature of writing on a small screen, but mostly it's because of the design flaws of the Sony Experia, or Xperia, or whatever the fuck it's called, which requires the user to have thumbs the width of chopsticks to type with anything remotely resembling accuracy. (My favourite element of this is the way, if you don't hit the precise pixel in the exact centre of the space bar, the phone construes your key press as a full stop. I just love it when that happens, and react with giddy, fond laughter each time it does.)

Anyway, this will likely mean all entries for the short-term future will be of laser-like intensity as I attempt to get my point across with the minimum amount of typing. To wit:

A Yellow City Tea Shop

The Tea Shop of the Bilious Tongues is an establishment that has become popular with bored youths from the higher echelons of Yellow City slug-man society. They congregate there to delight in the experience of being insulted by humans - an invigorating experience which thrills them with its unexpected, taboo-like nature.

All of the servers at the Tea Shop are humans addicted to the Spiteful Command, an opiate with the unfortunate side-effect of causing the user to drop caustic and biting remarks into the conversation apparently at random - usually about some nearby person's appearance or demeanour. Young slug-man customers revel in this and pay huge fees merely to slip behind the beaded curtain in the vestibule - to the despair and disgust of their older, staider brethren.

It is considered bad sport to enact vengeance on a server at the tea shop for a remark made; a sign on the door reminds customers that this is a place where the normal rules of Yellow City etiquette do not apply. This does not prevent the occasional server washing up in the God River on a misty morning with his throat cut and tongue sliced out.


  1. If you can install a Swype-style keyboard it'll make typing way easier. Instead of working letter by letter, the phone looks at the totality of the pattern you swipe and tries to predict the most likely word you meant, which means that the longer a word is, the better its guess will be. Try it out for a few days and see if it helps.

  2. Fantastic in all the right and literal ways.