What does an impossibly ancient crocodile's memory look like?

At some point memory becomes mixed together with imagination. There is a vast literature on witness evidence in criminal trials and how unreliable it is: this seems to be because, as soon as something becomes a memory it both divorces itself from what actually happened and also becomes more deeply entrenched. The more frequently you "remember" it, the more it crystallises in your mind, but what is crystallising is generally not the truth. Moreover, memory is in a sense recursive: you don't remember everything that happened in your life in chronological order - it is all jumbled up into segments which sort of loop on themselves (so that you replay certain vivid memories over and over and over again, but completely forget other things). 

There is no reason to suppose that an impossibly ancient crocodile's memory is not the same: a vast and disorganised jumble of things which are probably more than half-imagined, and in which patterns can be discerned within the chaos - recurrent themes which emerge from time to time, which are never the same but sometimes alike.

Of course, there is an eon of memory in there, which means that "what is in the crocodile's memories" is near infinite: the product has to therefore contain some large tables of random inspiration as well as encouragement for a DM to be as free and creative as he wants to be. The whole thing also doesn't have to specifically be a dungeon - there could be huge hex-map wilderness areas in the crocodile's memory as well (which perhaps themselves contain dungeons....which in turn contain huge hex-map wilderness areas...which in turn themselves contain dungeons.... and so forth unto infinity). But here are some ideas for recurrent themes, anyway:

Primordial ocean: storm-wracked seas, broiling heat, strange proto-monstrous lifeforms from obscure and long-dead lineages thronging the water, archipelagos of islands poking through the surface (filled with the speculative imaginings of a crocodilian about what could be beyond the beaches and riparian landscapes; speculative imaginings made real by false memory....) 

Floating cityscapes: coastal communities from long-dead civilizations glimpsed by the crocodile as it traveled the seas, and formulated in its mind into what ever on earth a crocodile would imagine a city to be like: presumably infinite? Presumably beyond the coast such cities could go on forever and ever as far as the crocodile knows? 

Ice: the crocodile has lived through not just one ice age but others - it has seen huge expanses of glacial blue extending from one horizon to another, and seen icebergs the size of islands floating, crewed by God knows what beasts lived in those places in those days....and those beasts are not as they were but as the crocodile falsely remembers and imagines them.

Desert landscapes: when the crocodile traveled up rivers at the time of mankind's birth it found proto-human clans scratching a living from the sub-blasted landscape, and it remembers those people, but not as they were - rather as they have become entrenched in the corridors of its mind through repeated recursive imaginings.

Does this make sense to anybody? I hope it does. 

The Expressionless Faces of Birds

A few people commented on yesterday's post via G+ to the effect that birds make good bases for monsters. It was also suggested I am destined to make a game in which everything is birds. I think this means I must post about bird-related monsters a lot. 

I like birds. I do a lot of hiking and I like to get out and about, and the idea of ornithology sort of appeals to the 8 year old inside me, whose chief career aspiration was to be a zoologist (I had a romantic image of myself being David Attenborough, essentially - travelling around the world studying exotic wildlife and making TV programmes about it; I'm still not convinced that this is beyond the realms of possibility).

What is most interesting about birds (this is also true of non-mammals in general, really, but birds are intelligent with it) is that their facial expressions don't change. They don't smile, they don't have whiskers or ears that they can move about, they don't move facial muscles. They have a fixed expression which is typically somehow both curious and disdainful. 

This is also true of their behaviour. Birds are always on the alert, always moving, always looking for something, always ready to pounce. If you watch them closely there is something almost robotic about their actions - as if they are not really alive but are rather supremely detailed and exquisitely crafted clockwork automatons.

This is why avian-based monsters are chilling: their lack of expression gives them a kind of blank, totally cold, utterly remorseless gaze which, if fixed on you as prey, would strike you with the deepest sense of your own worthlessness. This is an animal that will kill you and eat you, and you will mean nothing to it. There is no animosity there, but nor is there any impression of feeling; while a tiger would kill you just as dead, at least it would convey to you a sense of aggression and ferocity in doing so. With a bird there would simply be that still, stony look - exactly the same look that it has when it is preening its feathers, taking a dust bath, or having a shit. You are simply nothing: a thing to be eaten and then instantly forgotten. 

Bird of Paradise Men

In the lowland forests of Sepik there are many tribes of bird of paradise men, of colours and shapes as multifarious as the flowers of the jungle. They are intelligent, powerful, and brimming with an avian ferocity which is only outdone by their vanity. Their aggressive territoriality and absolute arrogance prevents them cooperating beyond groups around 100 strong.

When creating a tribe of bird of paradise men, generate their type and abilities as follows:

Size

Roll: 1-2 - Small (1 HD); 3-5 - Medium (1+3 HD); 6 - Large (2+1 HD)

Plumage

Roll d6 times for colours for males of the tribe, once for females:

1 - Red (resists fire)
2 - Yellow (can Blink 1/day)
3 - Royal blue (can Command 1/day)
4 - Turquoise (can Detect Invisibility 1/day)
5 - Sea green (1 in 6 magic resistance)
6 - Tree green (can Pass Without Trace 1/day)
7 - White (cannot be charmed or slept)
8 - Black (can cast Shillelagh 1/day)
9 - Purple (can cast Audible Glamer 1/day)
10 - Pink (can cast Mirror Image 1/day)

Tail/Ornamentation

Roll once for tail length or other ornamentation for males of the tribe (females have ordinary tails):

1 - Short tail (tribesmen are renowned for being aggressive fighters; +2 to 'to hit' and 'damage' rolls)
2 - Long (weak fighters; -1 to 'to hit' and 'damage' rolls, but all individuals act as 2nd level druids for spell-casting purposes)
3 - Extremely long (very weak fighters; -2 to 'to hit' and 'damage' rolls, but opponents must save vs. magic in order to attack, or else be stricken with awe and fail to act)
4 - Spray (use spray of feathers to befuddle attackers, giving natural +4 to AC)
5 - Springy/twisted (tribesmen compensate for their lack of glamour with vigorous energy; all individuals have maximum HP)
6 - Long "eyebrows", wingtips, or other ornaments (the tribe is considered dangerous and eccentric even by other bird of paradise men tribes: all individuals are mildly psionic)

General Rules

All bird of paradise men can fly (180) and have a natural +2 bonus to AC. They typically arm themselves with blow pipes and clubs, and wear hide armour.

In a village, there will be around 6d10 warriors, 6d10 females, and 6d10 children. They will be lead by a Big Man with an extra HD who is married to half of the females; the other females are married to individual warriors, with the leftover warriors being bachelors.

One in ten females is a shamaness (druid or cleric) with d3+1 levels.

[Actual Play] 5th edition in Pre-Medieval Japan: Session 5 - It all gets a bit Pendragon...

Session 5 of the "Three Mysterious Weirdos" campaign took place last Sunday. With all the excitement of releasing The Peridot I forgot to do a write-up. Previous session reports can be found here.

PCs present:

• Monomi the Chinese monk
• Goro the Japanese warlock
• Pasekur the Emishi ranger
• Terasu the Japanese cleric (run as an NPC for this session)

The session began with the group having cast an ancient lichen-man enchantment on the river mussel goddess to trap her in her river mussel form, and then having fled off swimming downstream from her servants. They decided the next port of call had to be Kawa-no-Kuchi, where they could deliver the river mussel spirit to Lord Uesugi-no-Mishiri and then have her placed in the river. This went well: while Lord Mishiri's household wizard, Takeyama-no-Onmyoji, advocated using the river mussel as a source of power, Lord Mishiri kept his word and the goddess was placed in the river nearby. She could now feed off the nutrients put into the river by the town, and thus produce mussels for the townsfolk to eat.

The PCs were lauded for their efforts and invited to a banquet. Everybody was going to be there, so it was to be a major event. While there was some discussion about other options (visiting the inland Emishi village of Bihoro, which they had heard about, or perhaps investigating what was making the Emishi of another nearby village, Kikonai, so aggressive), they decided they would go to the banquet and investigate the problems afflicting Lord Mishiri's daughter. They had encountered the daughter wandering the forest a fortnight or so previously, apparently under the sway of some strange magical influence. They suspected that Lord Mishiri's beautiful new concubine was somehow involved in this, and the banquet would be a good chance to get to the bottom of things.

The banquet was also a good opportunity to interact with, and get noticed by, the great and good of the Uesugi clan. Pasekur, being a hairy Northern barbarian, was particularly popular. Once everybody was well and truly drunk, the Emishi was invited to do a barbarian dance. Failing spectacularly in a sort of Ewok-inspired xylophone routine, Monomi interceded and suggested that Pasekur would be better off demonstrating his skill with animals or hunting. Lord Mishiri then invited the barbarian to attempt to break one of his stallions, the Red Horse, who would not let anybody ride him. With the aid of Goro, who summoned and unseen servant to placate the beast, Pasekur was able to tame it. The display so impressed Lord Mishiri that he gave the Emishi his fan as a token of everlasting friendship with the Uesugi clan.

Back in the banquet hall Monomi and Goro got talking to the wife and daughter of Lord Mishiri. It quickly became clear to the ever-perceptive Goro that the daughter was under some strange charm, and also that the wife was looking profoundly unwell, as if perhaps cursed. Monomi began talking to the pair. The daughter explained that she was having horrible dreams and was sleeping only fitfully, while the wife complained of feeling constantly tired and drained. While this was going on it became clear to Goro, seeing a glimpse of the arcane around the beautiful young concubine of Lord Mishiri, came to the conclusion that she was a demon. It was also apparent that the concubine was watching all of this unfold very intently, almost as if she could hear everything despite being on the opposite side of the hall.

The PCs had a conference - doing the equivalent of whatever going out for a cigarette is in pre-medieval Japan. They decided that they had to try to invite the wife and daughter to Pasekur's village Okoppe, to see Umoshmatek the shamaness. She might know something about these awful dreams. But they also thought that there was a good chance that the concubine, whatever she was, was "on to them" and would try to get to Lord Mishiri's wife and daughter before they could be taken to see Umoshmatek.

The PCs hatched a plan. Pasekur would distract Lord Mishiri by challenging him to a drinking contest. This would definitely tempt Lord Mishiri, who they knew to be impulsive and brimming with proto-samurai machismo. Pasekur would attempt to drink him into unconsciousness, whereupon the wife and daughter would have to take him away to take care of him. This would separate them from the concubine for the night. While this was going on, Goro would talk to the concubine and prevent her causing any trouble. The next day, they would invite Lord Mishiri and his whole family to the village of Okoppe to meet Pasekur's parents and cement the bond between the Uesugi clan and the Emishi of Okoppe - figuring that it was unlikely they could get the wife and daughter away on their own.

The plan worked brilliantly. Pasekur strode forward to challenge Lord Mishiri, with Monomi as a kind of interlocutor. [DM's note: It is perhaps worth explaining at this point that Pasekur cannot speak Japanese. I decided that on their travels the PCs had taught him 5 words. The players decided they had taught him Yes, No, Shit (because everybody teaches foreigners swear words first), Emptiness (because Monomi was teaching him the concept of Zen) and Run. However, Goro has the capacity to communicate with him telepathically, although this is only ever a one-way thing. Communication difficulties dogged the PCs at every turn this session, which really added something.] Lord Mishiri was already hammered, and agreed to the drinking challenge wholeheartedly. On around the second or third drink, the head of the Uesugi clan promptly projectile vomited, staggered dramatically about for a minute or two, and then collapsed insensate. His wife and daughter then ushered him away to bed (carried by servants of course). 

While this was going on, Goro began a kind of dance-like conversation with the new concubine of Lord Mishiri. While she did not admit to anything, she revealed that she knew that Goro was a magician of some kind. They arranged to meet the next evening at a cape a mile or two up the coast, where the incoming waves squirted through a crack in the rocks like a fountain.

With their task - making sure the concubine could not do anything to harm Lord Mishiri's wife and daughter that night - complete, the PCs retired to bed. The next morning, they visited the badly hungover and irritable Lord Mishiri and suggested the trip to Okoppe. Lord Mishiri's household wizard and general both agreed that the visit would be a good idea, as it would expand the power of the clan in the barbaric North and perhaps lead to significant trade links.

A mini-procession headed off to Okoppe: Lord Mishiri, his general, his wife, daughter and concubine, a dozen or so warriors, a further dozen or so courtiers, and Pasekur, Goro and Terasu. (Monomi had gone on ahead to explain everything to Pasekur's relatives.) In Okoppe Lord Mishiri and his family were formally introduced to Pasekur's parents Menkakush, the chief, and Umoshmatek, the shamaness. After an exchange of gifts, it was agreed that the men would go off hunting while the women would "get to know each other". This was the opportunity for Umoshmatek to see if she could find out anything about the enchantments cast on Lord Mishiri's wife and daughter (with Pasekur's sister Toitoi translating).

Out hunting Pasekur was able to kill a big male wild boar and further ingratiate himself with Lord Mishiri, who offered the Emishi the chance to join his household as his personal hunter if ever he wished it. There was then another large feast, though Emishi style this time: plenty of salmon, boar meat, salmon roe, and smoked fish. Here, the PCs managed to take Umoshmatek and Lord Mishiri's wife and daughter to one side. The Emishi shamaness explained that she could not know for certain, but there was definitely magic afflicting both women, although it was of a 'Southron' sort that she did not understand. The daughter revealed that her dreams featured strange seal creatures, which had the body of a seal but a fleshless, skull heads. These creatures would call to her to come to them, travelling North up the coast; she knew that they meant her ill, but her resolve not to go to them was becoming weaker. She also said she had visions of the face of an old man, covered in a kind of mossy growth.

On that note, the session ended.

[I really enjoyed this session. I've enjoyed all of them, but it feels like the campaign hit its stride this week. All the players have agreed that there is a real Princess Mononoke feel about things. I haven't intended this at all, but it has definitely developed in that direction. Which is fine by me.]

Behind Gently Smiling Jaws

A long time ago, when I first started writing Yoon-Suin, I wrote down 25 words that served as a sort of tonal palette for what followed.

For the megadungeon inside a crocodile's mind idea (which I am calling Behind Gently Smiling Jaws, a name suggested by Jacob Hurst), I decided it would be fun to make an audio-visual palette instead. This is it.

The Peridot, Issue #1 - Spring 2016: Launched in Print!

Issue #1 of The Peridot is released in print. You can buy it here and read more about it here

I am very proud of this one. Here is a picture of it on my oven, the traditional location where I open and read through RPG products which arrive through the mail.

The Peridot, Issue #1 - Spring 2016: Launched!

I have made a 'zine. It is called The Peridot. Issue #1 is out NOW. Click this link to BUY IT  in PDF.

Contents of Issue #1 (80 pages total) include:

• A complete new Ancient Mesopotamian starter campaign setting with 30+ keyed hexes, new monsters and NPCs. Battle bulrush demons and scorpion-men, explore a thronged wilderness, forge your destiny in a world still young...
• A grab-bag of interesting new monsters, NPCs, and magic items, including Heron Men, the Old Comrades, and the Weeping Woodwose
• A collection of scenarios to "plug in and play" to your campaign, including the Bone Miller, the Ichthyosaur's Pool, and Pan Chun Mei and Her Wraith Ravens
• New art and fiction
• Purple prose

The print version will be announced shortly - I expect within a week's time. In the mean time.... BUY IT.

[Actual Play] Cruth Lowlands Campaign: Session 10 - "Just forget about the 300 gold pieces..." (With bonus wrestling rules and Bullywug class)

Previous session reports for my BECMI campaign can be found here.

PCs present:

• Jason, playing Naghmeh, a 3rd level magic user
• Patrice, playing Dragosta, a 3rd level fighter
• Luke, playing Andy, a 3rd level fighter

Hirelings and henchmen: Philemon (2nd level cleric of Zeus), Naomi (4th level elf), Yokomosok (1st level bullywug), Zoe (hireling)

The PCs began back in Riverfork, having fairly elaborate "She swallowed the spider to catch the fly..." plans. Their initial goal was to go to the village of Myrsina to take part in the wrestling tournament they had heard about. After that, the plan was to go to the halfling village of Mallowfern to get silver weapons from a trio of dwarf triplets, in order to slay the wear-boar leaders of a band of smugglers in a nearby river fortress, which was on the way to the Black Hawk Barony, which is where Andy and Dragosta want to go to receive Weapons Mastery training. Phew. In the event, basically no progress was made. But we'll get to that. 

They arrived at Myrsina later that day to find the hamlet flooded with visitors - several thousand, all come from miles around to either watch or take part in the wrestling. A mini tent-town had been set up to house all these people, together with food and drink stalls, archery contests, and everything else you might expect from a country fair. Andy and Dragosta both took part in the wrestling. Andy was ignominously disqualified in his first bout for cheating, but Dragosta got all the way to the final before finally being defeated. Here are the wrestling rules I came up with:

Quick and Dirty Wrestling Rules 

The aim is to beat your opponent's score by greater than double, at which point you win the bout. 

Determine which participant of the two is stronger. He rolls a d12. The weaker rolls a d10. 

In the first round, both participants roll. If one beats the other by greater than double (e.g. 9 against 4), he wins. Otherwise, the bout continues but the party who won the first round gets to roll an additional d6 and add it to his score. If in the second round there isn't a winner, things revert to d12 vs d10 and the process repeats itself.

You can cheat (declare what you are doing - e.g. a headbutt or bite - then roll twice the number of dice) but if you get a double, you are discovered and disqualified outright. 

Example: 

Bob fights William. Bob has a STR of 14 and William 9, so Bob rolls 1d12 and William rolls 1d10. In the first round, Bob gets 9 and William gets 6. Bob wins the round but does not win the bout outright. Next round he rolls 1d12+1d6 against William's 1d10. Bob gets 6+2 = 8. William gets 5. The fight continues, reverting to 1d12 versus 1d10. And so on.

The tournament over, the PCs set about doing what it was really all about - carousing at the party afterwards. Andy spent handsomely, having borrowed 300 gp from Naghmeh for the purposes, and was the toast of the camp; he even successfully managed to flirt his way into the evil elf maiden henchwoman Naomi's affections. But Dragosta was fined for exposing her breasts too often and was forced to pay a fine of 250 gp (which was eventually reduced to 125 gp for her previous good behaviour). The next morning, with the party nursing hangovers, they set off for Mallowfern. 

On the way, Naghmeh announced she wanted to visit the Jann again. She had 1,400 gp left to give him in return for magical knowledge, and she also somehow persuaded Andy to relinquish his Ring of Ice Elemental Control to trade in to the Jann for cash. But the Jann simply gleefully swallowed both the money and the ring (after having announced it was probably worth 8,000 gp), and then offered to teach Naghmeh the Fireball and Web spells in return. Andy was outraged at the destruction of the ring for no apparent gain to himself, but Naghmeh very generously (?) waived the debt of 300 gp he owed her. Apparently feeling generous, the Jann took pity on Andy and told him where he might be able to find magical weapons: an abandoned castle, to the North of Riverfork, known as The Lost Twin. 

The party had heard about The Lost Twin before, but nobody (including the DM) could remember where or why. In any case, they knew that a few centuries ago it had been garrisoned by men loyal to the Grand Duchy of Karameikos, equivalent in power to Riverfork, but it was long abandoned (hence "The Lost Twin"). It was apparently a lair of undead and other evils. Feeling confident (especially with Dragosta's mighty warhammer, which was a bane of undead), the party decided to take a detour to The Lost Twin to see what they might find there. Before leaving, Dragosta asked the Jann if he knew anything about her warhammer; he told her that although it was powerful against undead, it was also critically weak against some other category of foe, although he did not know what type of foe this was.

Saying goodbye to the Jann, the PCs headed back to Riverfork and then made their way to the Lost Twin, which was a journey of a day and a half to the North. It was a large, dark-stoned castle, with several different entrances, which they eventually realised (after sending Yokomosok the Bullywug to scout around) was really three or four separate keeps, all clustered together. The party decided, based on instinct, to explore the South Eastern building.

They discovered a large open courtyard, overgrown with ferns and small trees, with a doorway leading to their right. After setting up a trap with a piece of string and some pots and pans to guard their rear, they headed inside. Here they found a room with doorways leading North, West and South, as well as a corridor in the South wall - from which emerged six scrawny, bestial, near-hairless things which had once been men. After Philemon was paralysed in the initial melee, the party quickly realised these were ghouls - and they were in serious trouble. Andy, Dragosta and Yokomosok were successively paralysed; Zoe was killed outright; and in the end it was only Naomi and Naghmeh's desperate efforts with magic and weapons alike which avoided utter calamity. 

Naomi and Naghmeh were now in serious difficulty. They couldn't move all the paralyzed bodies of their comrades, but nor could they stay where they were: they had used all of their spells for the day and Naomi was badly wounded. They ultimately decided to go back to collect their horses, bring them to the courtyard, load up their fallen comrades, and then retreat somewhere to lick their wounds. They knew that one random encounter could spell disaster and, sure enough, while outside the castle getting their horses they were stopped by four bandits on horseback - the world held its breath, but Naomi managed to intimidate them into leaving.

Eventually the party successfully extricated itself from the keep - though not without seeing more ghouls, who they were able to distract by tossing them Zoe's corpse. Some distance away, Naomi and Naghmeh waited for the others to recover, and then the party started plotting. They would go back to the keep well-prepared for ghoul activity, and clear it out. They would use meat to distract the creatures before attacking with holy water and fire and whatever else was necessary. This plan ultimately worked. They rested that night while Naomi and Naghmeh prepared the necessary spells and the others hunted a deer. Then, when dawn broke, they were back at The Lost Twin: they threw a deer leg attached to a rope into the ghouls' lair and then, while the ghouls were devouring the meat, launched some holy water grenades before attacking. In short order, all four remaining ghouls were killed and their lair was free to plunder.

One of the rooms was revealed to be the ghouls' latrine. Disappointingly for the DM none of the PCs succumbed to the evil stench here, but Andy did manage to fish out a gold dwarven belt buckle which clearly one of the ghouls had swallowed at some point and then defecated. In another chamber they found six large clay pots sealed with leather; suspecting a trap Dragosta used a long spear to poke at the seals while the others waited in the next room, and sure enough the seals on the pots turned out to be gas-trapped. Once the gas was dissipated, the party examined the pots and discovered three were full of copper coins and three gold. They decided to load up their cart with the whole lot, thinking that the copper coins might have value as antiques. 

Finally, the party discovered that another of the doors leading off the first chamber was magically sealed, and could not be opened by force. And with that mystery to solve, the session ended.

As a bonus, here are my rules for a BECMI bullywug class. I've had to introduce this since Yokomosok is now adventuring with the party as a henchman.

BECMI Bullywug Class 

Advancement as dwarf
Saving throws as dwarf
Can swim 150'
Can make a leap attack at 3rd level, doing double damage, to a range of 12', but is flat-footed in the next round
Has natural claw attacks doing d3/d3, advancing to d6/d6 at 6th level
Has natural AC 6

Predator versus Prey

When creating monsters based on real-world animals there is a natural tendency to go for creatures which would predate on humans or are otherwise dangerous to us. Snakes, wolves, tigers, spiders, etc. A second natural tendency is to use animals we typically find loathesome (rats, insects, lizards and so on). A third is to use animals which are very similar to us and reflect our primal nature - apes. A fourth is to use animals which strike us as 'cool' in some sense (such as eagles or cats). There is no point dwelling on this rather trite set of observations.

This tendency does, however, leave major parts of the animal kingdom - herbivores, rodents, etc. - unused as sources of fantasy monsters. You don't really come across sheep-headed orcs, giraffe-people or rabbit-men in fantasy games. The reasons for this are equally trite and not worth elaborating on.

Trying to make rabbit-men frightening would pose an interesting challenge. Let alone mouse-men (or moose-men for that matter). People have an image of rabbits as being either like Bugs Bunny or like the floppy-eared pet they used to feed dandelion leaves to as a kid. Rabbits are also natural cowards, and we eat them. They are about the least threatening things you could think of. Yet that means that if you could pull off that coup you could have something genuinely interesting on your hands.

Coming face to face with a rabbit in the wild (as I often do when out and about in the countryside), you're struck by their skittishness. As soon as you see one it will typically have already clocked you and will be watching you with icy terror, torn between the urge to flee into its burrow and its overriding need to eat. If you are far enough away it will tentatively nibble on some grass, constantly on the look out for the myriad dangers (fox, buzzard, dog, human) which could appear at a moment's notice.

Perhaps this is what makes rabbit-men scary: they come cloaked in a thick veil of fear which seeps into your thoughts and saps your will and fortitude, so that pretty soon you have the heart and mind of a rabbit yourself - scared of your own shadow, spooked by the slightest sound. Maybe that's why they are to be feared. It's because they embody fear itself.

Shaving the Subcultural Sausage into Slivers

When human beings get into something, they become obsessed with subdividing it in ways that, to an outsider, often seem utterly obscure.

Here is a chart showing all of the different styles of karate originating from Okinawa, which any non-karate person would see as more or less exactly the same if they saw them in action.

Underneath it is a chart of different styles of metal. For a non-metal fan (like me), I can just about discern that there is a difference between black metal, which is the kind where the guy shrieks like he is having his testicles mangled in a vice, and death metal, which is the kind where the guy sounds like he is so depressed and angry that he wishes he was having his testicles mangled in a vice. But it turns out that if you are into metal you are usually also really into its cladistics: there are dozens of different ways of screaming and dozens of different kinds of testicle-mangling devices.

And, you've guessed it, here is a chart showing (some?) of the different varieties of D&D and its retroclones. You and I both know that all of this, to somebody who has no interest in D&D (particularly before 3rd edition), is all just footnotes on the original version: to all intents and purposes none of it actually matters. Yet still. 

(I wish I could find a proper version of this image in a scale which is readable, but you get the point.)

I find this sort of genealogy fascinating. What to one person is hitting and kicking people, playing a guitar really loud and screaming a lot, or pretending to be an elf, to another is a vast and complex field of nuance stretching to each and every horizon and beyond. The particular tiny distinctions between different ways of pretending to be an elf matter.

I want to go out on a limb and say that men - a certain type of man - find this stuff important to a greater degree than women do. For some reason it's more often the case that when somebody is getting uptight about how something is categorised, nine times out of ten it's a man. Why is this? To play armchair anthropologist, is it something to do with a testosterone-driven need to organise and structure the world - to maintain order over complexity? To reduce the confusion, chaos and happenstance of human experience to a set of strictly delineated categories which can then be discussed, compared, critiqued, loved, hated, and (perhaps most importantly) named?