You may remember my post about D&D clerihews, which took the internet by storm in February 2017. No? Nor did I until just before. But it popped back into my head and I re-caught the clerihew bug.
All you have to do for a D&D clerihew (and I wasn't even trying to make that rhyme) is to write a four line poem, AABB, about a D&D creature. Let's try some. This time I swear it'll go viral. (Are we allowed to use that metaphor anymore?)
A sphinx
Never blinks
And never lies
But they do get sore eyes
Minotaurs
Don't bother keeping scores
When playing darts
Against xvarts
Orcs
Like forks
Which are useful when eating pies
And for jabbing in peoples' eyes
A green hag
Always carries a bag
To hold spell components
And the dried gonads of former opponents
Arcanes
Have big brains
And blue skin
And a taste for gin
Grell
Smell
Of farts
And decomposing body parts
Ghouls
Like rhubarb fools
But what will steal their hearts
Are eyeball tarts
Interesting fellows
Are Derros
They like torture porn
And long walks along the beach at dawn
I make no apologies.
You get a gold star if you can do one containing a rhyme for "giant", "illithid" or "kobold".
Ilithids
ReplyDeleteLook like squids
At least if you just check
Above the neck
I find it hilarious how well some of these reveal your accent. "Porn" and "dawn" I can adjust in my head so they'll match, but figuring out how to make "fellows" and "Derros" got me pretty good. I love it.
ReplyDeleteYep. I encountered this while looking in an online rhyme dictionary (a bit of a cheat) for things that rhyme with "missile". I was getting results like "thistle" and "gristle" and thinking, those don't rhyme with missile! Then it occurred to me that in US English maybe they do?
DeleteKobolds
ReplyDeleteSubsist on moulds
As they rarely dare
To tackles larger fare
The hill giant
ReplyDeleteIs rarely pliant
Unless you supply a bribe
Of many barrels to imbibe
Barbed devils
ReplyDeleteEnjoy their revels
With beings such as manes*
In Hell's upper planes
*I know, I know. But cf. Ambrose Bierce as "Bella Peeler Silcox" in The Devil's Dictionary:
The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades.
Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!"
Koalith
ReplyDeleteAre not a myth
But these fishy green
Hobgoblins are seldom seen
Gnolls
ReplyDeleteLike poles
For doing harm
Such as the fauchard, the ranseur and the glaive-guisarme
Haha.
DeleteSvirneblin
ReplyDeleteResort to pebblin'
Their forebears' graves.
There's not a lot to do in caves.
Bugbears
ReplyDeleteShun shares
as far too risky
But gold pieces and human entrails keep them frisky
Lizardmen
ReplyDeleteAsk when
And why it went beyond a joke
To use the singular "lizard folk"
The manticore
ReplyDeleteIs such a bore
Less than the sum of its parts
Although its tail is rather good at throwing darts
Bestiaries
ReplyDeleteIn D&D's
Various books
Are the consequence of far too many disagreeing cooks
Sahaugin
ReplyDeleteWith spines and fin
Occupy a space that's far too crowded with
Such fishy creatures as the kuo-taoa, morkoth, merman and koalith
(Apologies for misspelling sahuagin and svirfneblin!)
ReplyDeleteThe slug-man
Is not a fan
Of fro-ing and to-ing,
He's happier blissed out in the opium dens of Yoon-Suin
The gnoll
ReplyDeleteStole
His origin from Dunsany
Whose gnoles were not hyena-like and thus very much less zany
For those that care,
ReplyDeleteThe owl-bear
When it was a boy
Was a rather peculiar-looking Chinese rubber toy
The norker
ReplyDeleteIs a corker
Of a foe
To meet when low on hit points down below
Orcs, pig-faced,
ReplyDeleteHave been replaced
By far more generic types often seen
In Warhammer and World of Warcraft - and now they're green!
First level
ReplyDeleteIs a devil
When you try
To loot the dungeon on a singular hit die
The wight
ReplyDeleteIs all right
Although he's quite the pain
When he decides to exercise his level-drain
Treants
ReplyDeleteAre pants
The Ent is much better
But, alas, the Tolkien Estate is a stickler for the law's letter
I like this one.
DeleteThe shambling mound
ReplyDeleteIs rarely found
Gracing the dancefloor in promenade season
For the obvious reason
The carrion crawler
ReplyDeleteIs like the party caller
In that it's a relic of original D&D
But of the two, it's the one that you much more often see
The ettin
ReplyDeleteIs bettin'
That you knew
That his name denotes no specific number of heads and is cognate with jotun too
Bullywugs
ReplyDeleteAre like Thugs
In their general miscreance but not
in the specialist use of the garrotte
The flind
ReplyDeleteBreaks wind
As she strains to impress young gnoll bucks
With her double-jointed nunchucks
An Illithid
ReplyDeleteIs splendid
But I prefer Cephalopodcephali
For "Illithid" is Wizards product identity
I never wrote a clerihew, but do these count?
ReplyDeleteThe giant
was scarcely pliant
when the daring knight
came 'round to fight
But the kobold
is most ennobled
when goblins die
and their leaders fly.
https://www.aidedd.org/dnd/monstres.php?vo=winged-kobold
See how easy it is?
DeleteNot sure if I'm doing this right but I tried
ReplyDeleteA kobold
Is so bald
In winter they'll fight till their beat
Just for the heat
You did it right. It is almost impossible to do it wrong.
DeleteBless the giant
ReplyDeleteFor he is sized defiant
to kick over houses
and make men as mouses.
That almost sounds like it comes from some poetic medieval bestiary.
DeleteJC wins. Bravo! Those are brilliant.
ReplyDeleteI want to know more about the owlbear.
Cheers! The owlbear's origin story is here:
Deletehttps://diterlizzi.com/essay/owlbears-rust-monsters-and-bulettes-oh-my/
Thank you so much! This was amazing to read!
DeletePS This is sensational. You led me to a memory of my very first years on earth. I actually had a set of these plastic critters. The six images following the words, "into the imaginations of the next generation of game designers" on the site you referred me to show plastic toys that I owned and played with. I must have been a toddler or slightly older. The feeling I'm experiencing is really, really strange, because I have no other memories of that time of my life! Thank you!
DeleteThe local stone giant
ReplyDeleteIs really quite pliant
When it comes to his stew:
Any old hobbit will do.
I wish Edward Gorey would have illustrated a little book of these clerihews!
ReplyDeleteThe flumph,
ReplyDeleteOne might harrumph
Sucks and farts to fly.
Flip 'em - then they die.
Awesome!
DeleteThank you - Nice G 1-2-3 reference and ambitious (true to life drow historical pronunciation?)final rhyme in yours, too!
DeleteThis clerihew exercise brought out some really nice results from everybody.
A high-ranked giant
ReplyDeleteHas been found compliant
With plans of the drow
For three modules in a row.
I once knew an oily kobold
ReplyDeletewhom I later found had more than once resold
at double price to me a bulk-discounted slave
of his, the flipping scaly knave