Wednesday, 15 April 2020

The D&D Clerihew Challenge: Once You Pop You Really Can't Stop

You may remember my post about D&D clerihews, which took the internet by storm in February 2017. No? Nor did I until just before. But it popped back into my head and I re-caught the clerihew bug.

All you have to do for a D&D clerihew (and I wasn't even trying to make that rhyme) is to write a four line poem, AABB, about a D&D creature. Let's try some. This time I swear it'll go viral. (Are we allowed to use that metaphor anymore?)

A sphinx
Never blinks
And never lies
But they do get sore eyes

Minotaurs
Don't bother keeping scores
When playing darts
Against xvarts

Orcs
Like forks
Which are useful when eating pies
And for jabbing in peoples' eyes

A green hag
Always carries a bag
To hold spell components
And the dried gonads of former opponents

Arcanes
Have big brains
And blue skin
And a taste for gin

Grell
Smell
Of farts
And decomposing body parts

Ghouls
Like rhubarb fools
But what will steal their hearts
Are eyeball tarts

Interesting fellows
Are Derros
They like torture porn
And long walks along the beach at dawn

I make no apologies.

You get a gold star if you can do one containing a rhyme for "giant", "illithid" or "kobold".

48 comments:

  1. Ilithids
    Look like squids
    At least if you just check
    Above the neck

    ReplyDelete
  2. I find it hilarious how well some of these reveal your accent. "Porn" and "dawn" I can adjust in my head so they'll match, but figuring out how to make "fellows" and "Derros" got me pretty good. I love it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep. I encountered this while looking in an online rhyme dictionary (a bit of a cheat) for things that rhyme with "missile". I was getting results like "thistle" and "gristle" and thinking, those don't rhyme with missile! Then it occurred to me that in US English maybe they do?

      Delete
  3. Kobolds
    Subsist on moulds
    As they rarely dare
    To tackles larger fare

    ReplyDelete
  4. The hill giant
    Is rarely pliant
    Unless you supply a bribe
    Of many barrels to imbibe

    ReplyDelete
  5. Barbed devils
    Enjoy their revels
    With beings such as manes*
    In Hell's upper planes

    *I know, I know. But cf. Ambrose Bierce as "Bella Peeler Silcox" in The Devil's Dictionary:

    The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades.
    Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!"

    ReplyDelete
  6. Koalith
    Are not a myth
    But these fishy green
    Hobgoblins are seldom seen

    ReplyDelete
  7. Gnolls
    Like poles
    For doing harm
    Such as the fauchard, the ranseur and the glaive-guisarme

    ReplyDelete
  8. Svirneblin
    Resort to pebblin'
    Their forebears' graves.
    There's not a lot to do in caves.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Bugbears
    Shun shares
    as far too risky
    But gold pieces and human entrails keep them frisky

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lizardmen
    Ask when
    And why it went beyond a joke
    To use the singular "lizard folk"

    ReplyDelete
  11. The manticore
    Is such a bore
    Less than the sum of its parts
    Although its tail is rather good at throwing darts

    ReplyDelete
  12. Bestiaries
    In D&D's
    Various books
    Are the consequence of far too many disagreeing cooks

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sahaugin
    With spines and fin
    Occupy a space that's far too crowded with
    Such fishy creatures as the kuo-taoa, morkoth, merman and koalith

    ReplyDelete
  14. (Apologies for misspelling sahuagin and svirfneblin!)

    The slug-man
    Is not a fan
    Of fro-ing and to-ing,
    He's happier blissed out in the opium dens of Yoon-Suin

    ReplyDelete
  15. The gnoll
    Stole
    His origin from Dunsany
    Whose gnoles were not hyena-like and thus very much less zany

    ReplyDelete
  16. For those that care,
    The owl-bear
    When it was a boy
    Was a rather peculiar-looking Chinese rubber toy

    ReplyDelete
  17. The norker
    Is a corker
    Of a foe
    To meet when low on hit points down below

    ReplyDelete
  18. Orcs, pig-faced,
    Have been replaced
    By far more generic types often seen
    In Warhammer and World of Warcraft - and now they're green!

    ReplyDelete
  19. First level
    Is a devil
    When you try
    To loot the dungeon on a singular hit die

    ReplyDelete
  20. The wight
    Is all right
    Although he's quite the pain
    When he decides to exercise his level-drain

    ReplyDelete
  21. Treants
    Are pants
    The Ent is much better
    But, alas, the Tolkien Estate is a stickler for the law's letter

    ReplyDelete
  22. The shambling mound
    Is rarely found
    Gracing the dancefloor in promenade season
    For the obvious reason

    ReplyDelete
  23. The carrion crawler
    Is like the party caller
    In that it's a relic of original D&D
    But of the two, it's the one that you much more often see

    ReplyDelete
  24. The ettin
    Is bettin'
    That you knew
    That his name denotes no specific number of heads and is cognate with jotun too

    ReplyDelete
  25. Bullywugs
    Are like Thugs
    In their general miscreance but not
    in the specialist use of the garrotte

    ReplyDelete
  26. The flind
    Breaks wind
    As she strains to impress young gnoll bucks
    With her double-jointed nunchucks

    ReplyDelete
  27. An Illithid
    Is splendid
    But I prefer Cephalopodcephali
    For "Illithid" is Wizards product identity

    ReplyDelete
  28. I never wrote a clerihew, but do these count?

    The giant
    was scarcely pliant
    when the daring knight
    came 'round to fight

    But the kobold
    is most ennobled
    when goblins die
    and their leaders fly.

    https://www.aidedd.org/dnd/monstres.php?vo=winged-kobold

    ReplyDelete
  29. Not sure if I'm doing this right but I tried

    A kobold
    Is so bald
    In winter they'll fight till their beat
    Just for the heat

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You did it right. It is almost impossible to do it wrong.

      Delete
  30. Bless the giant
    For he is sized defiant
    to kick over houses
    and make men as mouses.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That almost sounds like it comes from some poetic medieval bestiary.

      Delete
  31. JC wins. Bravo! Those are brilliant.

    I want to know more about the owlbear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheers! The owlbear's origin story is here:

      https://diterlizzi.com/essay/owlbears-rust-monsters-and-bulettes-oh-my/

      Delete
    2. Thank you so much! This was amazing to read!

      Delete
    3. PS This is sensational. You led me to a memory of my very first years on earth. I actually had a set of these plastic critters. The six images following the words, "into the imaginations of the next generation of game designers" on the site you referred me to show plastic toys that I owned and played with. I must have been a toddler or slightly older. The feeling I'm experiencing is really, really strange, because I have no other memories of that time of my life! Thank you!

      Delete
  32. The local stone giant
    Is really quite pliant
    When it comes to his stew:
    Any old hobbit will do.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I wish Edward Gorey would have illustrated a little book of these clerihews!

    ReplyDelete
  34. The flumph,
    One might harrumph
    Sucks and farts to fly.
    Flip 'em - then they die.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you - Nice G 1-2-3 reference and ambitious (true to life drow historical pronunciation?)final rhyme in yours, too!

      This clerihew exercise brought out some really nice results from everybody.

      Delete
  35. A high-ranked giant
    Has been found compliant
    With plans of the drow
    For three modules in a row.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I once knew an oily kobold
    whom I later found had more than once resold
    at double price to me a bulk-discounted slave
    of his, the flipping scaly knave

    ReplyDelete